(5)
Swedish Meatballs and Freedom Fries
Dick Cheney had many allies in his quest for US control over Iraq. Besides the obvious energy industry executives, the powerful Jewish lobby in the United States saw a Sadaam-led Iraq as a dangerous enemy of Israel. The large number of Americans who counted themselves as either evangelical, fundamentalist, or Pentecostal Christians–sometimes known as the Left Behind crowd–saw Iraq under Saddam as the New Babylon and viewed everything happening in the Middle East through the lens of Armageddon, the Rapture, and the Second Coming of Christ. George W. Bush could be counted among those who professed these beliefs, although it was politically prudent of him not to mention them too often in public. The one place the Vice President didn't have control over was the United Nations.
The process of going to war with Iraq would involve a great deal more than just military planning. First, there were the perfunctory UN resolutions. Without a United Nations resolution against Iraq, there would be no one on America's side, not even the British government. The United States would have a Coalition of Nobody. Many members of the Bush administration detested the United Nations, none so much as Dick Cheney. The Vice President took every chance he could get to berate the UN. "All those no-good freeloaders up there in New York want to do is talk and debate and compromise and talk some more," groused the VP at a late-August NSC meeting. "Frankly, in my mind, the terrorists hit the wrong building on September 11th. I'll be god-damned if some third-rate diplomat from Syria or France is going to slow down the United States of America from her appointed mission. What if, God forbid, diplomacy works? Then what do we have? Simply stated, we have a fucking army out in the Kuwaiti desert blowing sand up their own asses, that's what! Colin, you do whatever it is you people do in that god-forsaken dump but by God, you better come out of there without solving this thing diplomatically, understood? Get a resolution that is absolutely impossible for Saddam to uphold, and ninety days later, we'll be having falafels in Baghdad. Isn't that right, Mr. President?"
It was hard for George W. Bush not to feel a bit impotent at moments like this, and he was really beginning to resent the way his Vice President acted as though he, the President, was only there to rubber-stamp the Vice President's decisions. "Not so fast, Dick. Let's hear what Colin and Condi have to say, and I'll decide her from there, okay? Colin?"
Colin Powell appreciated that the President was finely showing a little spine with Dick Cheney. He also liked the fact that, whether Cheney liked it or not, the United States was going to have to go through the United Nations if it wanted to go to war with Iraq. There was simply no way to bypass the organization completely. "Mr. President, I would have to respectfully disagree with the Vice President that a diplomatic solution would necessarily be a bad thing. Having actually been in a war, I can tell you that it's not going to be the slam-dunk that some people seem to think it will be. Many American soldiers will die, and many more Iraqi civilians will die. While I am not necessarily optimistic, I have faith that we can at least get the cover we need to placate the nations that we're going to ask to help us share the burden. Not to mention we're going to have to let the inspections run their course."
"Those damn inspectors are going to screw the whole plan up!" shouted Cheney. "If they find WMDs, they're going to want to destroy them, which screws us, and if they don't find them, it will just mean that that bastard hid them somewhere in the desert and we're still screwed. Either way, public opinion will be against us going in."
Donald Rumsfeld piped in, "We've got to ask ourselves these questions: How will we know what they know when–"
"Oh, shut your pie-hole, Don!"
"I think the President would agree that we must at least appear to give inspections and diplomacy a chance to work," offered Condoleezza Rice.
"I think we can do more than that, Condi," said the President. "If we can get what we want without killin' anyone, all the better. Maybe Sadaam and his family'll just... leave."
Dick Cheney had already decided, however, that he was going to have to take matters into his own hands. He was beginning to feel like things were swinging too far to the side of peace, and peace at this juncture was absolutely unacceptable. The Vice President resolved to put the idea of pre-emption to the test in a speech on August 28th before the Veterans of Foreign Wars in Nashville, Tennessee. He was determined to pre-empt Colin Powell's efforts at the UN. To do that, he had to scare the bejesus out of everyone.
The convention hall was almost entirely filled with men whose average age was north of seventy-six, wearing little American Legion hats and carrying even tinier American flags. This crowd was red meat for Dick Cheney, and he knew it.
Cheney stood at the lectern, a man who had never served in the military, in front of the largest American flag east of the Mississippi River, looking like George C. Scott at the beginning of Patton.
"The United States is right now, frankly, in more peril than at any time during or since the Cold War. In a world where darkness has no end, and evil lurks around every corner, one man, Sadaam Hussein, stands above all others in absolute wickedness. Simply stated, Iraq has to go. In my mind, as long as Iraq exists in its present form, the world will live in a constant state of absolute terror, never leaving its house, or, in fact, shopping in its malls. Some have dared to question our motives; some have the gall to think that this has anything to do with the billions upon billions of un-recovered barrels of oil sitting just below the surface of the Iraqi desert, high-quality black gold just waiting to be pumped and refined by certain multinational companies based in Texas. Utter nonsense!! The facts, simply stated, are these: America is good. The things America stands for are good. We are, in point of fact, the good guys. When we do something, no matter what it is, it is bound to be what is in the best interests not only of our own nation, but in the best interests of all of the other nations in the world. There can be no argument about this, and there will not be any argument about this."
The Vice President continued his grim toll in his usual low-key, professorial way; the manner calm, the message devastating. As he surveyed the aging crowd of veterans, Dick Cheney knew he had his audience right where he wanted them.
"Saddam Hussein, on the other hand, is evil personified. Let me chronicle for you a list of the dirty deeds this monster has perpetrated upon the world in the last thirty years:
We now have solid intelligence that Saddam Hussein initiated global warming by firing heat-generating missiles into the frozen Artic Ocean in the early 1980s;
It was his intelligence agents who fomented the genocide in Rwanda by spreading false rumors about free Nike basketball shoes to both sides of the conflict;
Similar tactics were used by this detestable man in the former Yugoslavia, sparking the horrific civil war there;
He and his foul cadre of scientists are responsible for addicting a whole generation of inner-city American youth to crack cocaine and gangsta rap; Not only were he and his Secret Service behind the attempted assassination of former President George H. W. Bush in Kuwait, it has now been determined that Saddam Hussein was the mastermind behind the attempted assassination of Pope John Paul II; that John Hinckley, the fortunately unsuccessful assassin of President Ronald Reagan, was an Iraqi Intelligence agent at the time of the attempt; On a personal note, a female Iraqi Intelligence agent seduced my daughter Mary at her 21st birthday party and is, in my mind, responsible for her succumbing to her, uhh, homosexual tendencies.
"Frankly, I could go on and on. In my opinion, Saddam Hussein is the most evil man in the history of the world, bar none. It is absolutely vital to the survival of our country to take him out by any means possible, and as soon as possible. The very fact that there weren't any Iraqis amongst the 19 hijackers on September the 11th tells you all you need to know about Saddam Hussein. He was too smart to use any of his own men. Every month, every week, every day, and every hour we delay confronting this malevolent menace, is another biological weapon added to his immense arsenal, another nuclear bomb attached to an intercontinental ballistic missile, another American city flattened. Simply stated, I'm scared shitless, and you should be too."
The pro-war crowd erupted in a frenzied ovation. It appeared as though every man in the hall was ready to take up his rifle or pitchfork and storm straight into Baghdad. The right-wing punditocracy ate the speech up like rabid dogs in a kindergarten playground. A headline on page A1 in the Washington Times gushed, "Cheney in '04?" Sean Hannity declared that it was the best speech by an American politician since the Gettysburg Address. Michael Savage yelled, "If this doesn't scare the crap out of the American people, nothing will!" Ann Coulter had to be revived with smelling salts immediately following the speech; for the first time in her entire life, she was rendered speechless. Tom DeLay of Texas entered the speech into the Congressional Record, saying Cheney belonged near or at the top of the pantheon of great American orators.
At the White House, President Bush, Condoleezza Rice, and Andy Card stood around a speakerphone speaking to Secretary of State Colin Powell. "I think it was a bit over the top, don't you, Colin?" asked the President.
"Mr. President, that was the top. The Vice President just all but single-handedly declared war on Iraq," replied Powell. "This is going to make my job at the UN much more difficult. But I have a strong feeling that was his intention."
"General Powell, how many countries do we have lined up right now in our Coalition of the Willing?" asked Condi Rice.
"Not many," replied Powell.
"How many is 'not many'?" asked the President.
"Well, so far, other than Britain, I've got one solid and three maybes."
"Who's the solid?"
"Vanuatu."
"Vanna Wha who?"
"Vanuatu is a nation of small islands in the Pacific, Mr. President," replied Condi Rice.
"That's it? Who are the maybes?"
"Well, we have a firm maybe from Moldova, with a few conditions."
"What are the conditions?"
"First of all, $50 million in twenties for every fifty soldiers; second, their soldiers won't actually have to fight or even fire weapons; and third, we're going to have to hold a Super Bowl in Moldova."
"Geez, what about the other maybes?"
"The others aren't quite as firm, but I've got Belize and Liechtenstein."
"Liechtenstein? How helpful could they be?"
"They've committed three soldiers and a horse with certain conditions."
"I don't think I even want to know the conditions there. What about Belize?"
"Sir, they're offering one hundred men on three conditions: one, $150 million in gold bullion delivered directly to the presidential palace; two, we're not allowed to make public the fact that Belize is in the Coalition, and three, uhh, the uhh, president of Belize, wants to, uhh, meet Angelina Jolie."
"Angelina Jolie?!? Can we do that? Andy, you know anyone who knows her? Geez, these people are nuts!"
"Mr. President, I'm doing the very best I can, but it's tough out there right now. There isn't a whole lot of support for the administration's approach to Iraq vis a vis the War on Terror."
"I can see that, and Dick's speech isn't going to help."
"You've got that right, Mr. President, I don't know if I can even hold together what we have now."
"Well, you're doin' a heckuva job, Colin. Don't let anybody tell you you're not. We'll work on the Angelina Jolie thing from our end, and keep the chin up okay?"
The President had decided to seek a Congressional Resolution giving him the power to use every available means to eject Sadaam Hussein from Iraq. Since Congressional elections were imminent, this was a can't-lose idea. No congressman up for election wanted to be on record as opposing a war with Iraq, which, in 2002, would be akin to declaring oneself a gay Islamic jihadist. The White House decided that Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld would brief senators on Iraq in a closed-room session. The administration was thanking their lucky stars that members of Congress were in such a bind over the resolution, because the meeting did not go well. The Secretary fairly outdid himself in mind-twisting verbal hieroglyphics.
"What do we know about Iraq?" asked Rumsfeld as he scanned the room behind his signature specs. "There are things that we know that we can't tell you because they are on a need-to-know basis and you folks don't need to know. What do we know that we don't know? Even if we knew, we couldn't tell you. What don't we know that we need to know? We don't know. We do know that we need to know more than we now know. How do we know? By golly, I wish I could tell you, but I can't. Thanks for coming." Coming out of the meeting, one senator grumbled, "We don't know any more now than we knew when we went in there."
Early September also brought British Prime Minister Tony Blair to Camp David for a whirlwind summit with the President. Obviously, the topic was Iraq. "Tony, are you with me?" asked George W. Bush, looking Blair right in the eye.
"Mr. President, you had me at 'Tony,'" said the Prime Minister, looking Bush back in the eye. "Will you go to the UN first?"
"I will go to the UN–for you, Tony," said the President, this time looking at a speck of food on Tony Blair's cheek.
"Oh, bless you, George! Bless you!" And the Prime Minister, with a tear running down his cheek, gave the President an emotional hug, transferring the bit of sandwich to the President's left sideburn.
On September 12th, 2002, a year and a day after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, George W. Bush addressed the General Assembly of the United Nations. In front of an audience of diplomats from around the world, the President made his case for action against Iraq and Sadaam Hussein. While asking for a resolution to take collective action if the Iraqi leader did not comply with stringent conditions, the American President made it clear that the United States was prepared to act alone if need be. The speech was met with stony silence from the international audience. The President did not seem at the top of his game. Later on, he revealed why. "I don't know if it was Cheney's speech, or if it's a case of Monday morning quarterbacking, but I was beginning to feel a twinge of something just before that speech. Maybe it was the fact that Colin Powell was having so many reservations, and I have such respect for General Powell. But something was tuggin' at me–I now know what it was, but I couldn't have told you then–and I didn't give the speech the emotional force that it needed. It probably wouldn't have helped. That was a tough room."
Meanwhile, the French were proving to be their old intransigent selves, strongly disapproving of the Bush administration's march to war with Iraq, and having the nerve to object to America's complete and utter dominance in a unipolar world. The entire nation of France had suffered from an inferiority complex since the Battle of Waterloo in 1815, and this condition manifested itself in the desperate way its leaders attempted to remain relevant and engaged in a world that had increasingly sidestepped or ignored them. The fact was, nobody liked a loser, and France was 0 for 17 with three ties in its last twenty or so wars. Now, they would pridefully point out that there were mitigating circumstances; that they had the flu in one war, that another had started before they were ready, and that they had slept through their alarm in a third, or that the officials blew a crucial call in another. But the feeling amongst most patriotic Red-state Americans was that with the United States saving their asses in two World Wars plus taking over a losing proposition in Vietnam, the least these effete bastards could do was show a little appreciation by supporting our effort to remake the world in our image. The problem was, the French still harbored dreams, however illogical and quixotic, to remake the world in their own image. This was leading to a clash of civilizations, one the French were bound to lose.
The French fight for a pole to hang their chapeau on was led by President Jacques Chirac, and given an eloquent expression in the person of Foreign Minister Dominique Marie René Galouzeau de Villepin. A poet, author, and diplomat extraordinaire, the handsome Dominique de Villepin, exemplified the finest in French... everything. Just by showing up, he made his peers look bad. De Villepin was taking the lead in a Coalition of the Unwilling, which, including Germany, Russia, and China, not to mention scores of lesser nations, was looking a whole lot stronger than the sorry squad the Americans were assembling. This was really beginning to stick in the craw of the Bush administration, especially You-Know-Who.
In the mid-1990s, Saddam Hussein had agreed to major oil contracts with French and Russian companies to begin extracting oil when international sanctions were lifted. US (and British) oil companies were in serious danger of being shut out of the last great mother lode of black gold. The Iraqi leader also began making noises about converting oil payments to the new Euro, instead of the dollar. This alone would have huge ramifications for the US economy, as one of the main reasons the United States was able to carry debt in the tens of trillions of dollars was the fact that the world's oil market ran on American currency, called petrodollars.
At the end of September, Dominique de Villepin was summoned to the White House for a "clarification of views." As with Ahmed Chalabi, Condoleezza Rice helped the President with the pronunciation of the Frenchman's name.
"It's duh Villa-pan, the 'n' at the end is swallowed— a(n)—"
"duhh Villa-pan."
"paaa(n)."
"Don't worry, Condi, I got it," said George W. Bush.
The same set of characters that had been present at the Chalabi meeting was also attending the conference with Dominique de Villepin. The atmosphere this time promised to be downright hostile.
"Bon jour Monsignor duh Villa-paaaaaaa(n)," struggled the President.
Condoleezza Rice's heart skipped a beat as President Bush had gotten the Foreign Minister's last name almost right, but had inadvertently called him a priest. Dr. Rice's French was fluent, and she quickly and adeptly guided M. de Villepin around the room, stopping for a moment in front of Secretary Rumsfeld, Secretary Powell and Vice President Cheney. With the participants sitting in their usual positions, the meeting got quickly underway. It was obvious from the start that this get-together was Dick Cheney's doing.
"Monsieur Villepin, would you mind telling us please, if you will, what the French government hopes to gain by not only not helping, but actively standing in the way of deposing a murderous tyrant and bringing freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people?" Dick Cheney's gloves were already off.
"Mr. Vice President, that is what I believe you Americans call a 'loaded question.' You sound as though you are quite ready to answer the question for me. This type of framing may be effective in your media, but please, do not think that you can bully me with this type of language. If you would like to discuss this issue, please, let us discuss."
Colin Powell looked up from his briefing papers over his glasses with slightly amused eyebrows.
"Frankly, what we need to discuss is the fact that French petroleum contracts with Saddam are getting in the way of common sense and common decency." The Vice President was working himself into a lather. "Simply stated, your country is in business with a tyrant and a beast, and the United States is not going to stand by idly while the man blows up the world."
"I suppose that the fact that the two highest officers in your country are oilmen is a mere coincidence?" countered M. de Villepin. "And I suppose that after you install a puppet democracy in Iraq, Halliburton and ExxonMobil and Chevron will have nothing to do with the extraction of oil there, no? And may I remind you, or maybe Secretary Rumsfeld has a better memory of a time not so long ago when Saddam Hussein was a partner in crime of the United States. You bore me. Secretary Powell, how are you?"
"Touché, Monsieur de Villepin. I'm fine," chuckled Colin Powell, to the consternation of the Vice President. "For the diplomatically challenged, why don't you run through your objections to a military solution to the Iraqi problem for us now."
"Yes, oui, of course. This will not come as news to you, but the French people, indeed the whole continent of Europe, has seen enough war to last us all several more lifetimes. Our terrible collective experience with war, yes, and it is true, the awful way we handled our conflicts, have taught us to be extremely cautious about committing ourselves to a violent solution to problems that we strongly feel can be handled diplomatically. The EU was understanding when the United States took action in Afghanistan, but German Chancellor Schroeder and President Chirac both adamantly oppose this unilateral march to war, as does President Putin in Russia, and the Chinese leadership in Beijing."
"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, eh Monsieur le Foreign Minister," said Donald Rumsfeld, who hadn't liked the reference by de Villepin to his now-infamous 1983 handshake with Saddam. "The French and the Germans are getting mighty cozy these days, like two old punch-drunk boxers sharing reminiscences of the good ol' days. You two deserve each other."
George W. Bush was finding the tone of his own people to be somewhat disgraceful, but he couldn't think of anything meaningful to say. He finally offered, "I'd love to come over there to your place, monsignor, and ride my bike up in those mountains and in the countryside. Sure is pretty on TV. My buddy, Lance Armstrong, has won your race a few times, heh-heh-heh–"
"What the President is saying, in fact," interrupted Cheney, "is that we're not going to sit around while you and the Germans and the Russians play footsie under the table at the UN. Either you're with us or you're against us. The President has made that clear. We would prefer for you to be with us, but, on the other hand, frankly, given your record in wars–"
"I refuse to sit here any longer and take this abuse!" said de Villepin standing. "The whole world sees through this charade! We will see how many countries you can coerce into your little coalition, outside of your lapdog across the pond." There was a noticeable grimace from Powell, Rice, and the President. "Mr. President, it appears as if you have your very own axis of evil right here in this room. My condolences to you, Secretary Powell, and Dr. Rice. Au revoir, Mademoiselle," said the Foreign Minister kissing Condoleezza Rice's hand. "Mr. President, Secretary Powell," and just like that, with a quick bow, Dominique de Villepin was gone.
"Did you hear what he called you, Dick?" asked Donald Rumsfeld.
"Frog bastards couldn't pick a winning side even if they were the only ones playing," grumbled the Vice President.
"I didn't mean to tick the monsignor off," sighed the President. "They sure are touchy about the Tour de France."
"It wasn't you, Mr. President," said Colin Powell, eyeing Cheney and Rumsfeld. "Why don't the two of you just get on with your coup and put the rest of us out of our misery?"
A few days later, Colin Powell was calling from the American Ambassador's office at the UN. "Mr. President, I have some good news. We have a new firm maybe in the Coalition."
"That's great, Colin! Who is it?"
"The African nation of Sao Tomé and Principe, Mr. President."
"Well Colin, that's two! That doubles the maybes! Good work!"
"I'm afraid that's just one nation, sir. But it's still good news."
"What are their conditions, or should I ask?"
"They don't really have any conditions. They've agreed to send us 300 able-bodied unemployed men to do with what we like for as long as we like."
"Why do I sense that there's a catch?"
"Well, sir, the catch is, these men are all inmates from the maximum-security prison there in Sao Tomé."
"Colin, beggars can't be choosers. We'll have to put 'em somewhere that they can't do any damage–to us, that is. Anyway, great news, Colin!""
Saddam Hussein, in an effort to buy himself more time, had grudgingly agreed to let inspectors back into Iraq for the first time since 1998. On November 8th, 2002, the UN Security Council passed Resolution 1441 by a unanimous 15 to 0 vote. This resolution, fought over word-by-word between representatives of the US, France, and Russia, threatened Iraq with "severe consequences" if it didn't comply, but pointedly stopped short of an ultimatum of war. The head of the United Nations weapons inspection team was a pudgy, balding Swede named Hans Blix, who looked as though he could be Karl Rove's older brother. With a voice reminiscent of a character from Fractured Fairy Tales, he seemed more like somebody's accountant uncle than the man on whose shoulders the fate of Iraq hung. But beneath his fleshy exterior was revealed a no-nonsense Nordic mind and a steely resolve that was constantly underestimated by his adversaries. In a word, he was "nails."
Colin Powell brought the doughy Scandinavian to the White House in early November for a briefing with the President before he left for Iraq. Blix was accompanied by Mohammed el Baradei, the Director General of the International Atomic Energy Agency. El Baradei was in charge of looking for any evidence of activity from Sadaam's nuclear program. Certainly aware of Cheney and Rumsfeld's disdain for United Nations organizations in general and for the inspections in Iraq in particular, the Secretary of State tried to finagle the meeting with just the President and Condoleezza Rice. But the pow-wow was too important to be kept from the VP and the Secretary of Defense, so, once again, the principals trooped into the Oval Office for another meeting that promised fireworks. Colin Powell was trying to avoid a repetition of the debacle with the French Foreign Minister. This time, the sparks flew before the guests arrived. "I remember a time when diplomacy meant something other than dressing down the other guy," said Powell. "I'm hoping that this meeting will stay on a more civil level than the last one."
"This is just another Eurosclerotic trying to slow us down," answered Dick Cheney.
"And we're supposed to trust an Egyptian to tell us the Iraqis don't have a nuclear program?" added Don Rumsfeld.
"Kinda sounds like the chicken guarding the henhouse," offered the President.
"What good is it possibly going to do? How can we get accurate information? Are we following them in with CIA people? How can they possibly cover the whole country?"
"Frankly, Don, for once your questions are entirely appropriate," said Cheney.
"The decision has been made and they're going in, so I don't see what good it does to badger these two men today," replied Condi Rice.
"Absolutely right, Condi," agreed George W. Bush. "We'll probably get more cooperation out of 'em if we don't bully 'em."
"You're all a bunch of Mother Theresas," groused the Vice President.
"I'm not!" cried Rumsfeld.
Hans Blix and Mohammed el-Baradei were ushered into the Oval Office by Chief of Staff Andy Card.
"We want you folks to know that we support your efforts in Iraq and are willing to offer you the complete cooperation and assistance of the United States government and its military to complete your mission." The President was determined to get the meeting off on a good foot.
"Thank you, Mr. President, for your generous offer, " replied Blix, "and we'll let you know if we need anything."
"We'll be sending a few 'advisors' along with you to lend you a hand, if you will, in keeping Sadaam's thugs honest," said Cheney.
"That will not be necessary, Mr. Vice President. In fact, it would most likely be counterproductive, as the Iraqi government is already concerned with spies infiltrating our mission, and have pointedly refused any American participation on our team."
"Since when did they make the ground rules?" replied Cheney. "I was under the impression, frankly, that Iraq was the outlaw nation here, the bad guys playing their absolute last card. When did they get a vote on who would be on your team?"
"Dick, this thing was worked out in minute detail at the UN, and this was all part of the negotiations," countered Colin Powell.
"That's the problem with the blasted United Nations!" railed the VP. "You people negotiate things to their death and then talk some more. Iraq doesn't get a vote on this. We're sending our people in there with you, and that's that."
"Dick, if you jus–"
"Mr. President, as you are well aware, the Doomsday clock is ticking away right now. We could be facing at any moment a massive attack of chemical, biological, or nuclear weapons either launched by this maniacal madman himself, or by his henchmen in al-Qaeda, that will make 9/11 look like a firecracker in a schoolyard. In my mind, our objective here is not to make the Iraqi government happy, but to prevent the complete obliteration of freedom-loving people all over the world." The Vice President turned to the UN diplomats. "The President will insist upon including American technicians on your team–"
"But Dick, I–"
Blix stared straight into Cheney's eyes. "Mr. Vice President, I understand that you don't hold me or my team in high esteem, and, frankly, I could care less. But as long as I am in charge of this mission, I will decide the make-up of the team that goes into Iraq. If you want to play hardball, maybe you should try out for the Yankees."
"Ha!" blurted out Donald Rumsfeld before the Vice President's icy glare shut him up.
Colin Powell and Condi Rice looked at each other with a mix of wonder and awe.
"The Vice President might make a good closer, what with that scowl of his, huh, Dick?" said the President, desperate to try and lighten the mood. "Uhh, Dr. Blix and Dr. el-Baradei, how long do you think it will take your team to conduct a thorough inspection? 'Cause our patience will not be infinite," said the President, trying to keep control of the proceedings.
"We will be there until we do our job correctly and completely," replied the Egyptian.
"You'll be there until we tell you to move out of the way for the 1st Armored Division," countered Donald Rumsfeld, huffy about the Yankee comment. "A couple of 2,000-pound bunker-busters might get your rear ends moving a little quicker."
"Don, really," said Colin Powell. "As long as we are kept continually updated on what you are finding, we'll try to give you as much time as we can, but as the President intimated, there are those whose patience seems to be already exhausted."
"Dammit, the Swedes haven't been in a war since the 17th Century. Therefore, they have no idea of the external threat our country faces, the dire consequences of inaction. To be frank, I can't expect you, Dr. Blix, nor you, Dr. el-Baradei, to have any comprehension of the life and death struggle the President is going through at the present time."
"The Egyptians lost five straight to the Israelis. That can't be good," offered Don Rumsfeld.
"Don, please!" The President stood up and addressed the two men directly. "I'll give you all as much time as I can, and I'll decide when enough is enough. I'm the decider around here. 'The buck stops here,' and all that, so y'all do your jobs and do them well, and we'll take 'er from there."
"What the President is trying to say is, you gentlemen have sixty days, tops, capiche?"
"Dick, I didn't—"
"I didn't realize the President of the United States needed an interpreter. He seems to speak fairly good English," said the unflappable Swede.
"Well, I'm pretty famous for mangling the Queen's English on a fairly regular basis, but thanks anyway, Doc."
"Okay, I think we've taken this about as far as it's going to go," said Colin Powell, standing up as a cue for the two men to do the same. "There are some in the American government who actually do appreciate the job your team has done and will do in the immediate future, and we say Godspeed to you both."
After the two diplomats left, there was an uncomfortable silence in the Oval Office. The President, never at ease in that kind of situation, said, "We gotta do better meetings, folks. This is gettin' kinda embarrassing. I think it was Abraham Lincoln who said, 'If your house is divided, you can't stand in it.' We gotta pull together, remember who we're fighting. There's no 'me' in team–"
"Umm, actually there is, Mr. President."
"Shut it, Don," said Dick Cheney.
On December 7th, the Iraqi government submitted a 12,000-page declaration of its weapons inventory that claimed, in no uncertain terms, that it had no WMDs. Late that afternoon in an NSC meeting, Dick Cheney declared the Iraqis to be in 'material breach' of UN Resolution 1441 in light of the declaration.
"How could you even make that determination at this point?" asked Colin Powell. "You couldn't have possibly read a 12,000-page report that fast."
"I read it, and, frankly, it's twelve thousand pages of lies. The man's a pathological liar. End of story. In my mind, we should declare war today. If this isn't a casus belli, I don't know what is. Don, call Tommy Franks. Let's get this show on the road."
"Mr. Vice President, I don't think this declaration on its own is sufficient cause for a declaration of war," said Condoleezza Rice. "The UN resolution required two things–a false declaration and a failure to cooperate with inspections. Saddam appears, at least for now, to be cooperating."
"I agree with Condi, Dick," said the President. "We've got to at least appear to be sensitive to the letter of the resolution. George, what's CIA's position on this declaration?"
George Tenet had been a virtual zombie since the brunt of criticism and blame for 9/11's failures had, rightly or wrongly, been laid upon his bulging shoulders. He looked as if he hadn't shaved in several days, and had been seen openly drinking from a flask that he carried in his inside coat pocket. "I dunno, uh, what was the question?"
"The 12,000-page declaration from the Iraqis. Does the CIA have a position on its veracity?"
"Oh, uh, no. No we don't."
"You don't? What do you mean you don't?"
"Well, sir, we uh, have a lot of things..." The CIA Director stared out the window as his voice trailed off, obviously a broken man.
"Great! Not only do we have to deal with Swedish meatballs at the UN, but now we have Gonzo McKook running the CIA!" Dick Cheney had blown another fuse, and it seemed he was getting short on spares. "I've had it with the lot of you! You're all a bunch of do-gooding weenies! I'll be in my bunker with the Do Not Disturb sign on. That means you, Don!"
"But Dick, I'm not—"
"Put a sock in it, Don!"
The Vice President left the room to a stunned silence.
It was left for the President to wrap things up. "Well folks, I hereby declare this December 7th National Security Council meeting to be officially torpedoed, heh-heh-heh."
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